Silence.

Canyonlands, Utah.

"Sticks and stones are hard on bones,

Aimed with angry art.

Words can sting like anything,

But silence breaks the heart."

Phyllis McGinley

Sleep.

Sleep does not seem to come easily for me these days and it is getting increasingly annoying. Of course the more I worry about not sleeping the worse it gets. I have never been too good a sleeper, and I think my mother will testify to that statement. She used get my Dad to drive around the streets with me on the back seat in my baby basket until I fell asleep. Actually until I learnt to drive I would fall as sleep in any car night or day if you drove me over 5 miles. Now it is not so easy. I try to tire myself out during the day, but at the moment nothing seems to work. My brain kicks into gear and starts thinking all sorts of crap that I really don't need to get myself into a tiz over. I have even resorted to Nytol, but that apparently is having no effect tonight either, hence me blogging at one in the morning.

What to do?

If only I were the sleepy kitten!

"Many things such as loving, going to sleep or behaving unaffectedly are done worst when we try hardest to do them"

C.S.Lewis

Keeping busy.

I have managed to have a fairly productive day today, which is good because it stops or at least slows down the continual ache in my brain of things people have done or said, or not done and said, as the case may be. I have always found it incredibly difficult to stop this self inflicted mental torture from happening. I can not just let things go. I always hope that other people will be like me and want satisfactory answers and conclusions, especially when it comes to relationships, but they just never seem to. I don't know if this a difference between men and women or wether it is just me, but it drives me insane. I always want answers and I never ever get them. The art of oral communication seems to be lost on some people.

Anyway, moving on. I have eventually had some prints done of my big climbing trip and popped out to Ikea this morning to get some frames. I am quite pleased with the results especially my jaggy heart shaped cactus which I took in the amazing Hueco Tanks National Park, Texas. Seeing it on display in my hall every day will hopefully help bring back lots of great memories of fantastic climbing and fabulous people.

I had quite a good session of climbing down at the wall tonight, although for some reason my legs were really shakey for no good reason which was a bit off putting. I think it may be a result of my fairly alcoholic weekend. However I managed to haul myself up a few lines which were quite satisfying. I have been unmotivated for climbing these last few months, which in itself is upsetting as it is one the few things in my life that I really love to do. I know where the lack of motivation is coming from, for the most part, and am desperately trying to turn this around. I would hate to fall out of love with climbing as it has been a great companion and helped me through many troubled times. Yet you can't force these things, like any good relationship you have to give respect and care in order for it to be healthy and worthwhile. 

Happy moment of the day, being given a box of homemade gluten free mince pies by the lovely Nick. Very delicious. xx

Chapter 40.

It has been quite a while since I last blogged, but am going to start trying to do regular posts of some description again. The posts sadly will not be of wonderful travels (at least not for a while) but general musings, photos and maybe the odd rant.

What have I been doing since my last post in March you may ask?

I feel like I have been riding a fairly emotional roller coaster since March, that started with huge peaks of happiness followed by massive troughs of disappointment and hurt. I knew the year was going to be a tough one for me as the year of 2011 meant I would be 40.  I find it quite hard to believe that I have been alive on this planet for that length of time. Where does the time go? I survived my birthday with good friends, family and a large dose of alcohol.

In March I also met a new beau. We got on well and things seemed good, but alas the last few months have been very difficult for me. Things did not seem right and try as I might I could not stop the train wreck that happened. I am still confused and bewildered by the ending of our relationship and am left once again asking myself questions that will never be answered.

Since my birthday I have been trying to take a photo a day in order to record my 40th year. So far I am doing well and have only missed a few days. I am hoping that starting to blog again will help achieve this task and keep me focused and maybe revive some creative juices that have lain stagnant for quite some time.

Anyway it is time to pick myself up and shake off the past once again, yet another new beginning. The 40th chapter of my life. It has not started the way I hoped but I have my fingers and toes crossed that it can only get better from this day forward. xx

My 40th. Eeek!